But Does Anybody Listen?
You rock, you are an almighty Canadian through and through. You have proven your worthiness and have won the elite prize of living in a country as awesome as Canada. Yes I know other countries think they are better, but we let them have that cuz we know better than they do, eh?
I’ve been told many interesting things about myself… which is normal I imagine, although, not many of those things are normal.
I skate through life, putting very little effort into anything at all. Yet… oddly, somehow everything always works out for me.
People assume I get laid a lot, which isn’t true. Honestly, most of the time I could care less about “gettin some”
Anyways, I woke up this morning and realized something that disturbs me immensely - like… shakes me to my core.
I have no ambition.
I have no goals.
I have no interests.
I have no ANGER.
WTF?
In the past, I’ve always had something that got me going, riled up, interested.
Always had something I wanted, some place I was eager to see, someone I wanted to include in my life.
Nothing.
Is it wrong that this bothers me?
I have no urge to upgrade my computer, to take a road trip, to meet a new girl.
I don’t have a financial objective.
If nothing happened for the next 30 years, I’d be okay with that…
and I’m NOT okay with that. I don’t know what got into my head, or how I became so disinterested with living… one too many letdowns maybe.
My life isn’t easy by any stretch, although I never really have anything to worry about - somehow things DO work out, but what works out is the bare minimum. Granted, a LOT of people on this earth live at far below what I would consider the bare minimum, even in the 1st world, but should this be enough?
If I can have the bare minimum without ever trying… what could I have if I tried?
Would I still be a fat bastard with a room that’s missing a wall and a door?
Could I own my own house, have a wife who cares, have children who look up to me?
People who I’d worry about letting down, and make more effort?
What is it like to be passionate about things?
What is it like to give a flying fuck about something?
Why don’t I?
Maybe it’s becoming clearheaded again after being sick - stupid flu had me down for over 2 weeks… but really - where do I look to find the things I’m missing?
Or am I missing anything at all… I really don’t know.
WTF is the point??
I went through a period of emotional turmoil the first half of this year… happiness, joy, excitement, the future looked bright and I was giddy and nervous.
everything went to shit, and I was confused and angry and frustrated, with occasional moments of clinging hope…
now?
nothing.
I’m still me, but I have nothing… no emotional output at all.
Not happy or sad or excited or anything - just tired.
it’s all blank
blah.
at one point I cared, but that’s passed now
In 5.5 hours, I’ll be on the highway headed to Calgary for the long weekend
A few days to NOT think about being unemployed, about the girl who fucked me over, about how badly I reacted to that… poor thing.
Plans as follows…
Tim Hortons in: Kamloops, Salmon Arm, Revelstoke, Golden
Apparently the lemon baked goods are gross, so I’ll avoid those.
when we arrive in Calgary, I’m going to pass out and sleep.
Then going to get some Viet for lunch, going to the Back Alley on Saturday night…
Brunch Sunday at 1410 on 17th Avenue just off 14th Street
Live music on Sunday night - not sure the venue… and probably going to check out the Rusty Cage as well…
Monday, drive home.
then?
Find a job - I need another 2000 bucks, or the September Long Weekend is going to be a writeoff/shitshow, because I’ll have no money to pay bills, or pay for food and accommodations. I’m getting pretty worried actually
I’ve been an ass, I really have.
it’s funny, there are a few people who know what I’m like when I get really psyched about something… excited, thrilled, a touch obsessive.
Never, I think, threatening…
You’d have to hurt someone I love a lot very badly to make me violent… well, except for in a playful way… and even that is rare.
but you have to do something above and beyond uncalled for before I get mean under most circumstances.
And I was
AND… it was, while unfair
it was NOT uncalled for.
I hate being mean… I hate causing pain… not saying I never do or never have, that would be a lie… but I hate it.
And after all these years, I can still count the number of people I’ve hurt on my hands. I can count the number of people I’ve hurt that I loved on one hand.
My mother for one… I was a wonderful son until maybe 16 years of age… and then again after 25. I had a bit of a bad stretch
My ex-wife… I was a terrible husband, and while I knew that at the time, I didn’t know how bad.
My ex-girlfriend… I was a shit boyfriend, some of the time, and the way I ended it was spineless and terrible.
And her. I expected more than she was emotionally capable of giving, I asked more than she was mature enough to give, and I said things that, while I believe them to be true, I don’t know the background well enough to know the reasons… I don’t know if she’s really to blame for her lack of whatever it is she’s lacking. And those things were cruel… true or not.
I don’t know why I’m still on about this… probably because I want to make it right.
Because while I no longer expect anything, I don’t want that person that was so wrong to be her last memory of me, blacking out the good memories she might have - I know there are some, but I don’t know that they stand out all that much.
I’d like to think I’m a decent person… not a good person, by any stretch of the word, but not cruel, or mean, or spiteful by nature.
I could give more, care more, stand up for things more, fight for things more… oddly, she’d probably be shocked to find out how I’ve given up on things in the past, because I did the opposite with her. I fought tooth and nail, and struggled, and pushed and did everything I could think of… not in my nature… usually I just sit by and let things slip away. I don’t care about much enough to hold on tight.
And no matter what I do, nothing changes what I did, and said
And that’s very hard to live with, because it’s not me…
I haven’t written much recently, mostly because I was an emotional wreck, and frankly, I probably would have just written and deleted everything I wrote… I actually did delete some stuff… there was a girl, and a situation, and it was a big complicated mess. Mostly because I thought I was in love.
So this is the story, from my side… someday I hope I get to hear her story, because somehow I doubt it would sound much like mine. No names, and I’m leaving some stuff out, because frankly, this isn’t about dirty laundry… it’s just the basics.
I don’t know what I did to catch her eye, but I did… she caught mine for certain, probably one of the most shockingly attractive people I’ve ever seen… and the more I got to know her, the more attractive she became, and I was swooning and acting like a lovestruck fool, so badly. I was so taken I had to meet her (yes, it was online), and so I did. We had a great lunch on a lawn, and walked, and talked, and saw sights, and laughed by a waterfall. Lemon flavoured water, well, it made her make funny squishey faces… she said it was gross, but I appreciated it, if only for the faces. I made a mistake. I kissed her.
Not that the kiss was a mistake, but it lead to expectations and things that probably shouldn’t have happened… not that day mind you, that day was mostly walking, and sitting, and just enjoying the day.
I went back to see her again the next weekend, despite there being some strain in our conversation over the next few days… kinda felt like it wasn’t a good idea, but I had hope anyways. And again, it was an amazing day - we spent a long day of driving around, of kissing, of being playful. She cooked me an amazing dinner (I could do better, but I’ve had a lot more practice)… we watched some TV and took pictures of a waterfall.
I was uttely lost and smitten - I’d expected things to go badly, and they didn’t - maybe there was hope, and something in the world was right. I stayed with a friend that night, and then the next day I introduced her to my roommate… after I sent her home, it all went to hell… being lost and smitten when hell arrives is not a good thing, take it from me. I was far more shattered than I should have been for the short amount of time we’d spent.
anyways, we’ve fought since, we’ve even kissed since… but I don’t think we’ve agreed on much at all.
but through it all, she’s still one of the most shockingly attractive people I’ve ever met.
I don’t expect we’ll talk much anymore - couple occasions I’m sure, maybe some time in the future… for a short period of time, I thought she was my destiny. But she didn’t see it, and I didn’t relent…
I have no real regrets…
well, one, and she’d know what that one is… because she carried it with her… don’t know if she still does, I’m not going to inquire.
The best thing, and the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Other than everything in between. Because, well… from the second time I met her, until now… it was nothing but misery from both sides.
Passionate, but only in anger.
Too good to be true.
I’ll never have a bad thing to say about you… not to anyone. Not that I’ve never thought them, or said them to you… but there isn’t a person alive that needs to know those things… it didn’t work, I’m afraid, but inside and out… you’re the most beautiful person I know.
top of the world to ya, I hope you get everything your heart desires.
So my computer is still hanging on by a thread - the new motherboard is sitting at the post office waiting for me to pick it up after work on Tuesday. I was going to go today, but I ended up working too late to make it before they closed… so next week I get what is essentially a new computer.
Yesterday was possibly the best day I’ve ever had… not that I’ve never had a day as exciting or as fun, but the combination of wandering around aimlessly, good food, and a wonderful woman made it one for the record books. The only part I didn’t like was leaving…
Today, I flipped burgers… wasn’t the worst time I’ve ever had for sure *lol* and I had my first savoury crepe, which was amazing (chicken with pesto and sundried tomatoes)
and… that’s about it.
more burger flipping tomorrow 
I forgot how trying repetitive manual labour can be - not like it’s too hard, but I’m in crap physical condition. First 2 days, I lost 5 pounds and developed a mild case of sunstroke. Today would be my day off to revover before going back and working tomorrow with a hat.
I can honestly say I haven’t been this sore in years, which is saying a lot, since you know, I’ve done the gym thing a few times (still a member actually) - but it’s much harder than going to the gym… bonus being, I don’t get paid when I hit the gym, and this I get paid for.
My computer is hardcore fucked - which is to say, it still runs, sometimes. There’s something wrong with the PCI-X slots on the motherboard, so I randomly lose video… makes me grumpy… I need a new motherboard, so I ordered one, should be here by Friday - which will hopefully result in no more dodgy computer problem after this weekend
Still crooning, still swooning… and life moves on to the beat of my heart. That’s all for today.
I got called a worthless piece of dung for calling George W. Bush a traitor to America, and suggesting that it would be a bold move for a US solider to kill the prick. (actually, I suggested dressing him up in full armour, and setting him to walk the streets of Baghdad with no support, and wondered who would shoot him first, an Iraqi or an American. I voted tie.)
I wrote this a long time ago, and some things about my opinion have changed since - I still don’t think Bush is worthy of his citizenship, let along his station - he’s a coward, a deserter, and his entire administration has been about turning the US government against Americans.
While I certainly don’t wish the jackass any harm, he’s a fucking moron, and the fact he’s in the whitehouse is a testament to how corrupt the american political system is.
Now hear this - and this is as fair a statement as any:
The US system is based upon the premise that the will of the people, and NOT the will of the government and especially not the military, is the power. Questioning authority, and the decisions and mental capacity of those in power is not the right of every American, it’s their god damned responsibility. And the USA has failed in the task - the only people with the balls to question it, don’t have the smarts to know it needs to be. (not entirely true - there’s enough intelligent US writing documenting how anti-american GWB is, and how stupid and traitorous he is is not only well documented, but obvious)
I’m not going to approve a comment by some facist cunt who (claims to be a soldier) doesn’t have the balls to post his name to his words - he doesn’t have the guts, the class or the intelligence to be worthy of note. I spit in his general direction, and shame his mother for not aborting that terroristic abomination. His chidren should be ashamed to be the spawn of such worthless shit.
Hate me if you like, but I’m not wrong about this.
