A Freak Speaks

You’re bound to be disappointed.

Well… I know I am – I sincerely hope that I’m not holding myself to a higher standard than other people do. I mean, I’ve used people, I’ve been used, I’ve been ignored, taken for granted, picked on, abused, loved, hated… I’ve run the gamut, and all well before the age of 30.

To be honest, my life was pretty freaking exciting before the age of 30 – I mean, I learned to play, I learned to order a drink and get it from any bartender, regardless of how pissed I was (not a good thing, in retrospect, but I loved it at the time), I was just crazy enough as a drunk that I drove people away. I’m NOT a nice drunk… I’m an ass, with an ego. An ego that was actually pretty well deserved back in the day, but today, not so much.

I’m pretty fucking average all things considered.

When I was a kid, I was stupidly smart… like… engineers would ask me for help with things (I’m talking doctor of engineering students, not lowly bachelors). My family had HIGH hopes for me. It’s no wonder that my father doesn’t care to talk to me – I mean, I’m far from what I was expected to be. I was supposed to be something of a prodigy, and I ended up being a lowly jack of all trades. I hold no degrees or certificates or diplomas.

I could hold a few – maybe some day I will… but the fact of the matter is, I get bored… so bored in fact, that I move on and try other things – it works for pretty much everything in life, from books to friends to lovers. I frequently burn myself in the process (read: haven’t had anyone to love in several years)

So what have I accomplished?

Well, I’m quite literate, I’ve been (in no particular order, and I’m sure I’ve missed some) a fast food worker (every possible position up to and including non-salaried management), a dishwasher, a cook, a cleaner, a clerk, a stock boy, a waiter, a bartender, a graphic designer, a bookseller, a forklift driver, a propane worker, an IT guy, a proofreader, a phone tech support guy, a print shop manager, a print shop employee, a bar manager, a booking agent for a bar, a liquor store employee, a video store employee, a pizza cook, a pizza joint manager, a website maintenance guy, a web designer, a computer builder, a barista, a DJ (radio, not event), a producer, a security guard, a student, and I think that may be it so far.

I’m still a student, of life at least… I long to understand people, and their motivations…

Along the way I’ve had far more lovers than someone of my stature and appearance is deserving of (not kidding myself, I wish I was pretty or handsome, or conversationally gifted but I’m none of those)

There’s plenty of things I love about myself, and plenty of things in the past I would change if I could – I’m emotionally stunted – I can write my feelings, and share that writing with someone, but to actually SAY something?

Dear lord that terrifies me.

I have improved… but not enough.

Pretty sure that’s why I lost “her”.

Not that that’s a big loss, but she was a highlight and a low light in my life… and most of the low lights are attributed to my lack of emotional expression.

Of all the girls who I’ve been with, she was the one that I would have kept.

All the women.

Dear lord… I was going over the list in my head the other day – I can’t clearly remember them all anymore – some names are missing… that disappointed me… but here’s an attempt

1st was a fiery redhead… I wasn’t involved honestly. 15 years old, I drank a lot, vomited… drank more… passed out – people threw me on a cot in a laundry room (it was a sweet 16 party) – girl got ditched at the party by her boyfriend, who was also my boss. I woke up in the morning with my pants around my ankles, and my penis sticky and smelling of something I wasn’t familiar with at all. Oh, and I was confused. I walked into work (McDonald’s), and the boss in question looked at me, and offered up “she says you have a nice dick”… she was right. I wasn’t involved, and honestly, it could have been considered a rape, but I would have consented had I been aware.

2nd was another who I dated for a couple of months – we made out a LOT… no real sex… just kissing and touching a little… she was odd. After a while I decided that I didn’t actually want to sleep with her, because she was, in my estimation, batshit crazy. This was in later months and years repeatedly verified. Anyways, I ended things because I didn’t see a future, and I didn’t want her in any sexual sense – and then we landed up at the same party, and I was again, hammered. She dragged me to a bedroom, and had her way with my dumb drunk ass… worst sex ever – and I mean that with all sincerity… I was fucking awful. It was a 2 strokes you’re done kinda deal. I also said no… but in my drunken stupor I did it anyways. THEN she had the nerve to tell everyone that I’d gotten what I wanted and then dumped her, but that I was great in bed (what? I was fucking terrible!)… sadly she also told her parents, who came to my work to lecture me about the dangers of pre-marital sex… I should have told them the truth about what happened. Pretty sure they would have been thrilled to know their daughter raped me (twice, btw… 2 nights in a short period of time)

3rd ? She was too young for me (I was 18, she was 14, and she was the first girl I every consensual penetrated)… pretty much all we did was fuck like bunnies… she also taught me how to NOT be terrible in bed – well… not so much taught as just took what I threw her way, which was a whole hell of a lot of semen. I fucked her for all of 3 seconds, came, rolled over… wait 10 minutes, repeat… seriously… then I came the last time, and just said fuck it and kept on going – no break, no stopping, and it worked. Yup, it stayed up… and the rest was history. I discovered the joys of having no male refractory period because I was so annoyed with myself for blowing off in 3 seconds, that I just kept going. Now, thanks to her, I don’t suffer from premature ejaculation, I suffer from multiple orgasms… not really suffering if you ask me.

Anyways

Maybe I should go back to the start. (get them hooked with the sex, now deflect, distract, find the source… maybe I’ll learn something writing it)

I was born Michael Alexander ???? on June 23rd, 1972 in the Grace hospital, Calgary, Alberta.

I was adopted by my parents, who changed my name to Patrick Joseph – apparently keeping the birth mother’s name was asking for trouble… or possibly it was just a little weird to my parents that I would share my father’s name – either way, I was never, in my own recollections, a Michael.

I actually harbour a little resentment for that – for some reason, I simply picture Michael as a stronger, more respectable name than Patrick.

Anyways, I’m Patrick, and have been, and will continue to be for the rest of my days… and that’s why.

After my adoption, we moved about some – something I have some, but not many, memories of.

I remember an ice cream shop in Drumheller.

I remember falling down some stairs in Saskatoon.

actually, I remember a lot from Saskatoon, but the stairs are my earliest memory of that city.

I have clear memories of Red Deer, and Calgary after that… a short time in Thunder Bay, then back to Calgary… and Vancouver, then back to Calgary

There are also memories from Sudbury, Edmonton and Winnipeg, although I never lived those places… I might touch on them, possibly maybe.

There were, in there, so many little crushes, big crushes, lovers, terrible thoughts, good wishes, some excellent reading material… some Zen, some Karma, and the occasional bitch slap.

In the course of my early teens I became a pacifist, but I remained, and still remain, an omnivore.

so here is the tale of how a boy with huge dreams, great potential, and loving, intelligent parents ended up sleeping with 42 women (to date), married, divorced, and living in a nook in Surrey. Hold on tight, it’s a bumpy ride! This is my blog.

I tend to ignore it for months, ever years at a time, and then I fall back in to it when I remember I actually have some things to say. Some are worthwhile, some are drivel, and some will make people go “you’re an idiot” – and sometimes, they’re right.

Oh, and I’m allergic to beer.

My little pup is well… while still little, she’s not nearly AS little

She’s quite the little charmer, when she isn’t trying to eat you.

So I decided a little while back that I needed to introduce something new and fun into my daily routine, and found a new little girl to share my life with

she’s a little Pug with unique coloration – and looks sweet as can be – I haven’t actually met her yet, but I’ve gone a little overboard with toys and puppy stuff

One Week Old

2 Weeks Old, Trying to eat her sister

Two Weeks Old, Looking Standoffish

Four Weeks Old

In three weeks, she’ll be headed home, so excited to meet her, and raise a happy, loving little critter

So here’s my confession of the day.

I’m addicted to nicotine.

Nicotine itself is a relatively harmless drug, but unfortunately there are many, many issues with the “normal” delivery system that provides it – tobacco smoke.

Tobacco smoke contains other things – most of which are the result of burning tobacco, and inhaling the smoke – the byproducts (things like tar and carbon monoxide in the smoke) damage your lungs, cause diseases like Cancer and Emphysema, and also create second hand and third hand smoke, which are also carcinogenic and have many health risks.

So, I decided to try something new. I’ve quit smoking on many occasions for a variety of lengths of time (as little as a week, as long as 18 months), but in certain stress inducing situations, I always find myself with a cigarette in my mouth. I’m not going to lie, it disgusts me. We can go back to a time when I was 17 and cussed out smokers, because it’s a slow form of suicide – you cut years off your life, and reduce the quality of those years that you’re left with, and knowing this, I found the habit intolerable.

So cut forward 21 years, 19 of which I’ve smoked, I clearly wasn’t very pleased with myself – I wanted to find a way to get the nicotine fix without the carcinogens.. so even if I DO quit again, if the urge strikes in the future, I have a way to give in without actually smoking.

Enter “Electronic Cigarettes” or E-Smokes.

An E-Smoke is a 2 or 3 part device, a battery, an atomizer, and a cartridge with “E-liquid” which (usually) consists of Nicotine, Glycerine, Propylene Glycol, Distilled Water, and Flavour. The device I chose uses those exact ingredients, as well as a cartridge that contains both the atomizer and the nicotine/flavour cartridge in 1 piece. If you look at the list of ingredients, it’s almost exactly the same as you’d find in an asthma inhaler, except adding nicotine in place of medicinal components.

The end result is a product which you use to inhale nicotine “mist” which feels like traditional smoke, but lacks the lung damaging ingredients, and still provides the drug I’m addicted to. What you exhale is actual an odourless water vapour (it may contain a hint of the flavour you chose, such as Vanilla, Mint, Peach and so forth) – no second-hand anything at all.

For some reason, it’s not legal to retail these in Canada… I can order them online, or buy parts and refills in the US, but stores here are only allowed to carry “nicotine free” versions.

Being the type to not trust automatically – I tend to question things, I tried to figure out why this is. Seeing as it’s a simulated cigarette that’s essentially a nicotine inhaler (those ARE legal), I’m rather dumbfounded by this. It’s an inexpensive, clean alternative to smoking cigarettes. I can only come to one conclusion.

The government taxes cigarettes heavily – a luxury tax – that has increased at far above the rate of inflation over the years. If all the nicotine addicts suddenly switched to systems like this, “SIN tax” revenues would fall rapidly. As it is, I attribute the rapidly rising cost of tobacco products to a need to maintain tax revenue as less Canadians smoke – not as a deterrent, but rather, a cash cow.

for now, I can only wonder, but I’m happy to have found this alternative to cigarettes, and I hope they eventually fully legalize them here – since for severely addicted people, sometimes there can be a safer choice… it’s certainly not as safe as quitting outright, but it’s manageable, and it doesn’t hurt anyone else. The same can’t be said of cigarettes, and they’re still legal… it’s actually mind-boggling.

We’re in the process of launching a new blog – call it the “non-personal” version of 3freaks.net – it’s not meant to be a personal blog, but rather, a group project with lots of room to grow and welcome bloggers, photographers, writers (fiction?)

if you’re interested, pop over to http://wordscafe.ca – you can also follow WordsCafe on twitter, @wordscafe

let’s just call it a rough outline – we’re looking for some help filling it in, and building something magical!

Just for fun, here are a few pictures from the namesake cafe, which closed in the year 2000 – but will be fondly remembered by many for the equivalent of many lifetimes – the lifetimes of the people it touched.

Wow, that Harper guy must be cool, right?

The more I read about Harper, the more I see what he does and how he reacts to things? The more I’m sure that he’s not suited to run a country.

I was sure of that before he ever formed the CPC by absorbing the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada into the Canadian Alliance (don’t be fooled, the CPC is NOT the Tory part of the past) – I was sure of it because the man openly dislikes Canada in any forum other than Canada… He likes to belittle Canada in front of other nations.

But now, he has stopped talking. Probably because every time he talks, he gets caught in a lie. He ran the first government in recent history to fall not because of a budget vote, or an unpopular policy… they fell because they were found in contempt of parliament. Or rather, HE fell. Harper, as it is, is a one man show – the CPC is not a democratic party. The CPC is run by an iron fisted leader who doesn’t tolerate opinions or views that differ from his own.

I hear about Ignatieff being a horrible human being, and I shake my head – as bad as he might be (and nobody has any evidence that this has any truth at all) – unlike Ignatieff, Harper has already proven, through a long list of quotes and words and actions, that he IS a horrible human being.

Should we vote for him because he likes hockey?

Should we vote for him because he promises tax cuts in 4 or 5 years, once they balance the budget (something the CPC has never shown it can do… while calling the Liberals, who have run mostly surplus budgets in recent history, financially irresponsible)?

He managed to run the government into deficit BEFORE the recession.

Should we vote for him because he wants to build super-prisons to keep us safe from all the marijuana users? Wait, I’ve never had my health threatened by a marijuana user – but Harper has vowed to eliminate Universal Health Care in Canada… so Harper HAS threatened my health. Maybe we should just let the pot smokers out of the prisons we have, and throw HIM in there…

Looking over his track record, it’s a whole lot of hypocrisy, tempered with a lot of lying, and a lot of failed promises.

The CPC has failed, in so many ways – our nation has never mattered less in the world, and people here have never been treated worse than now.

Cutting taxes for large corporations? He says it creates jobs – that’s a lie. Corporations increase employment when they need more people – when they get more money, they just get richer with the same amount of work… The way to get them to hire is to give consumers money to spend on the goods they produce. If they get busier, they hire more people to keep up. If consumers don’t buy more of their product, and that doesn’t work – well… enough said there. They were never going to hire anyways.

It really is time to take a good hard look at the CPC and realize that they don’t stand for anyone – except that one man. Steven Harper.

A lying, hypocritical crook. In my opinion.

So today’s the day.

I’m picking up a UHaul van, packing up all my crap, and heading back to Calgary. I’m not sure whether I’ll be leaving tomorrow or Saturday at this point, but regardless, I’ll be gone soon.

One of the topics I plan on covering heavily, and trying to promote, is the election – I’d like to do some days highlighting parties, some highlighting leaders, and some highlighting opinions. As I’m wont to do on occasion, I’d like to not only hear opinions, but I’m looking for posts and opinions on these topics as well – essentially, I’d like some guest commentators who can share a variety of opinions on topics related to the upcoming election.

If you have a story you’d like to write, or an opinion you’d like to share, write to admin@3freaks.net with a basic synopsis of what you want to write – I’ll set up a limited account for you to use to write your entry(s) – all entries are vetted by me prior to going live, but I won’t edit for content, and I won’t suppress anything because the opinion differs from my own… I simply need to see what’s going to be published here before it actually goes live (last thing I need is an article on the vile nature of Igantieff actually being a bunch of porn and dirty links, ya know?)

so this offer is NO good for spammers, but you’re more than welcome to use it to promote your own blog, business, or whatever you choose… so long as you write something that fits the electoral theme, and are willing to respond to comments and general interaction with anyone who has something to say about what you wrote in a professional, not argumentative manner.

I’m accepting submissions immediately – I may be delayed in responding due to moving, but if this interests you, please let me know.

Also subtitled Homeland Security Sucks.

So the other day I made one last run for the border – shopping for some stuff that I know is going to end up being more expensive, or unavailable when I get back to Calgary. A border trip from Calgary is a 4-6 hour commitment each direction, so not nearly as simple.

I picked up a nice crock pot (20 bucks), lots of cheese, a nice set of knives, some cereal, parts and refills for my electric razor, and all kinds of assorted cheaper things.

But really, this entry isn’t about why I went, or what i did while I was there, it’s about what happened while I was crossing the border.

While we were sitting in line, waiting to get through the crossing, the border guard slapped an nicer orange piece of paper on the windshield of the car – essentially an invitation to come inside, have a seat, and wait for them to search your car. Awesome.

Except for one thing – the answer I received when I asked a simple question.

“Excuse me, is there a washroom I can use inside?”

and the answer. NO.

okay, well, I’m doing a dance, because I can barely hold it – maybe this’ll go fast, right?

Over the course of the next 10-15 minutes, I danced, asked no fewer than 5 people if I could use the washroom, to the same answer.

By the time I got up to the desk to talk to the security guy, I was dancing through filling out the form… finished it… asked again

“No, no public washrooms”

I sighed.

doing a little dance, when the unthinkable happened. Standing in the middle of a room full of people.

I sprung a leak.

It wasn’t a full on, floor wet, totally soggy situation, but I was sporting a bright spot on the crotch of my pants, and feeling rather embarrassed. To make it worse, I still had to go, badly – that little leak maybe bought me 2-3 minutes… I headed for the door, knowing full well they’d probably throw me in a holding cell or something, but if I was going to full on piss myself, I’d much rather do it outside.

I heard a voice

It was the man who’d most recently told me no

Him: “What’s going on sir?”

Me: “Oh, you know… just pissed my pants, and it’s about to get a lot worse, thanks for asking”

Him: “Through that door – if it’s open, you can use it.”

Seriously. An unlocked door I had been standing right beside the entire time. Opened it, washroom…

I was not amused – MUCH relieved, and much damper than I was comfortable with, but no longer suffering from explosive bladder issues.

I was about 2 seconds from just full on pissing my pants right there with a smile on my face, it was so bad.

Of course, then I would have needed to buy some new pants as well…